


The (Very Short) Nun Story

by kayliemalinza



Series: The Piratical Nun [2]
Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-06-18
Updated: 2007-06-18
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:26:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anamaria boards a ship and there's nuns on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The Black Pearl came upon a small merchant ship and opened fire. The merchant ship tried to run away but it was a sucky ship so the Pearl overtook it easily. Anamaria lead the pirates onto the other ship, where they stole gold and silks and food and stuff. The crew and captain of the merchant ship were crying like big babies, but that's not surprising because the Pearl had a lot of guns and Anamaria is very scary. She fiercesomely went below decks and saw that the merchant ship had been transporting some passengers, too: nuns.

Anamaria didn't like nuns so she snarled and asked if any of them had jewels or precious metals. Some of the nuns had small gold crosses and they sobbed while they handed them over because nuns are wusses. Except one of the nuns wasn't a wuss. She looked very craftily at Anamaria and held up her crucifix. It was very large and made out of pure gold. Well, not pure gold because then it would be too soft, but it was really shiny and there were a bunch of rubies in it. The nun yanked the cross away when Anamaria reached for it.

"Take me with you," said the nun. All the other nuns looked shocked but the non-wussy nun flipped them the bird. "Please," she said. "It's horrible in the nunnery. They make me do work all day and wear these stupid clothes and there aren't any boys!"

"Boys are stupid," said Ana.

"So's the nunnery!" said the nun. "I hate it! They're oppressing me! Please take me away to your pirate ship. I'll be a big help, I'm really good at stealing things!" She waggled her gigantic cross as evidence.

"No," said Anamaria. "I hate nuns. Give me that cross!"

"OK," said the nun and handed it over. "Too bad you'll never find my other treasures, though."

"Of course we will," Anamaria snapped. "We'll search the whole ship. We'll search you! Take off your habit!"

"That would take a really long time," said the nun. "To search the ship, I mean. And you don't know when a navy ship might come up and attack you." She batted her dark eyes. "If you take me prisoner I will show you where the captain keeps his secret cargo." Anamaria didn't look convinced so the nun shrugged and said, "I can still take off my habit, if you like."

"Oh goodness!" cried one of the other nuns, and fanned herself.

Ana glared at the non-wussy nun, who was fiddling suggestively with the collar of her habit. "Ok," Ana said. "Help me search the ship for treasure, starting with that dark closet over there."

The nun grinned and headed for the closet, wiggling her hips more than was probably strictly necessary. Anamaria popped a couple of breath mints and followed.


	2. Chapter 2

As Ana led the nun across the boarding plank to the Black Pearl she said, "What's your name, anyway?"

The nun grinned and said, "I'm Jack Sparrow!"

Ana snorted, then laughed, then guffawed and chuckled and pointed.

"I _am_!" said the nun, and stomped her foot. "That's my name! Stop laughing!"'

Anamaria shook her head and waved at all the other pirates on deck. "Come listen to this, y'all!" she crowed. The nun crossed her arms and glared. Ana clapped her on the back. "You mean you didn't know that Black Pearl's captain is Jack Sparrow?"

The nun narrowed her eyes. "There is only ever one Jack Sparrow," she hissed. "It is an ancient title handed down from mother to daughter. My mother was the legendary highwayman of Portugal. Her mother was the all-powerful brothel mistress of France! My great-grandmother stole the King of Hungary's crown jewels!"

"Unlucky man," muttered Gibbs, and crossed his legs.

The nun was turning red. "Where is the rascal who has stolen my birthright?" she shouted.

"Who's that yelling on my ship?" Jack shouted. He stumbled out of the great cabin and swaggered over to the group of sailors gathered around the nun. "What's going on?"

"Just a small problem with one of the prisoners," Anamaria said.

"I didn't tell you to take any prisoners," said Jack, squinting at Anamaria. His rum sloshed. "I remember tellin' you specifically to _not_ take prisoners."

"She insisted," said Anamaria. "She had a lot of gold and was really whiney and she's got some nice tits under that habit."

"Really?" said Jack, and looked at the nun hopefully. His eyes went very very wide and he stepped back. "Jacqueline," he said in his nicest voice. "It's so nice to see you! I've been very worried about you all these years."

"Oh really?" said the nun, stepping forward predatorily.

Jack smiled like it hurt. "Well, of course! It was very traumatic, you know, seeing my only sister being dragged away by the authorities."

"Particularly when you're responsible," the nun said darkly.

Jack's smile disappeared. "That—that's a horrible accusation, luv. And frankly," he said with a sniff, "I don't know what you're basing it on."

"I don't think you want me to get into the details," the nun said.

Jack looked at her clenched fists and nodded. "Of course," he said. "Let's let bygones be bygones. I forgive you!" The nun narrowed her eyes. Jack offered her some rum. "Please don't hit me?" he said.

The nun snatched the rum and thumped him on the head. "I'll hit you if I damn well want to!" she said. "And what's this I hear about you taking the name of Jack Sparrow?"

Jack took off his hat and rubbed his head, pouting. "I couldn't use my _real_ name," he said.

"Why not?" said the nun, taking a large swig of rum. "It's a lovely name."

"Not it's not!" said Jack. "It's a stupid name!"

The nun rolled her eyes. "What's wrong with the name Orl-"

"NO!" shouted Jack.


End file.
